Soft Skills : Providing Effective Feedback

We geeks are not known for our social prowess.  For us non-nuero typicals the challenge of moving into a management role can be ruinous to our health and peace of mind. 

As a manager it is important to communicate clearly and concisely and not always with favorable messages.  It is also true that you can’t just go around being an a**-hole to people. 

I remember my first day as a paid programmer.  I was hired at the now defunct Starwave in Bellevue, Washington, where I stepped into an elevator and said to the squat little man inside, “Hey, there”.

“F*** you, new guy,” he responded.  Seriously.

If this is even close to your behavior, people will soon not care what you have to say about anything, even when you are right.   This is why it is important for us to have little techniques for dealing with those socially awkward moments, like providing feedback to peers, superiors, or subordinates.  Note I did not say “criticism”, I said feedback.

This formula has worked well for me and can be tailored for any person with whom you would like to help be more effective in their job: 

1. Tell the person, “I’d like to give you some feedback.”
   Pause and wait for a response.
2. Call out a specific behavior that has occurred.
   “I noticed you rolling your eyes and scoffing in that meeting when Phyllis was talking.”
3. Note the effect on you.
   “When you behave like that toward your colleague it causes me to question your professionalism.”
4. Note the causal effect on them.
   “Alienating people like Phyllis will cause this project to stall, not move it forward.  Behaviors like this can cause you to be less effective that you might otherwise be.”
5. And finally put the ball in their court.
   “I just wanted to share this feedback with you because your success matters to me and I know that you want to be as effective as you can be.  Maybe next time you notice Phyllis getting on your nerves you could be prepared to deal with it a little differently.  What are your thoughts about this?”

So, this example is overly syrupy and fringes on patronizing, but I use this extreme language to make the point.  If, like me, you have problems with the soft skills required to interact with the humans you work with, a bag of these techniques can be very helpful. 

Thanks to the Management Tools Podcast for the basis of this formula.  For more on soft skills and techniques for being effective in your organization, check out their podcast and articles.